I’ve spent the last 16 years in the wilderness because I was afraid of what God had in store for me.
In 2005 I did Doulos with 14 others. I didn’t know what to expect, but I got a download from God that scared me at first – and I certainly didn’t know why I was getting visions and words at the time.
Over the years I got involved with a set-up team and thought that was it – I didn’t feel I had anything else to offer; I felt I wasn’t good enough.
I wasn’t sure why I still got visions and words, I just went along with everything. Then I took over coordinating the set-up teams and was invited to the Leaders weekend away. I felt there were more worthy leaders. Even so, the Spirit was moving and I sensed I had some specific things to pray for some individuals, so I felt encouraged, but still not sure of why I was there.
There were more weekends away and more prayers and visions for individuals but a friend spoke to me saying “when you’re on fire – you’re on fire, but you let the fire go out”. I really didn’t understand it. I think I was always chasing after what had happened on Doulos all those years ago, looking for old manna.
I carried on, and every now and then, I would be on fire, but the inevitable always happened. I was always struggling to understand what was I doing wrong. I thought that over the years I was changing, but then one day I ended up in hospital. While my gall bladder infection was being treated and I was still in pain, I had an amazing encounter with God. He was talking to me, and I was talking to Him… And I had tears of joy, instead of pain, running down my face.
I came out of the hospital with a slightly different outlook, knowing that God wanted to speak with me. He actually cared for me! Before, this had been head knowledge, but now, knowing on a personal level through our conversation in the hospital was different. Like a light bulb moment!
Then we all went into lockdown and everything stopped. But not the words and visions. If anything they had increased. I found myself praying more, and just opening the Bible randomly and picking passages out that spoke straight into my heart.
As a church we met together over zoom and we had our first workshops. A friend was leading one, and his title simply said:
“No agenda, just waiting on God”
I was nudged towards this one. As it started, things began to accelerate for me. I received words and visions more frequently. I would write the words down and share with the group, without knowing whether they meant anything, and it would resonate with someone. Once they accepted it, I often felt God gave me more.
This group kept on going throughout lockdown and beyond too. My friend decided that he would step back from leading the group after becoming a Dad for the first time. And I waited for one of the others to step forward and take charge, but no one did.
I asked God if this was mine to do.
I found His response unbelievable. He said “Now is your time to step forward. I have given you a voice, use it. I have given you authority, use it. I have given you sight, use it. Know who you are, and who I have made you to be. Stand tall for nothing can move you, I have paid for the very ground you walk on”.
So now I lead the group with God’s spirit directing both me and the 11 other members.
He has given me a boldness and confidence I never imagined, as well as a fire that is raging in me. Everyday I speak to him, and He is transforming me bit by bit.
It’s taken 16 years to get here, so now I’m looking at the next 16 with Him leading me!
